I have a Cheese Infection

Henry called early last Friday afternoon to let me know he had a doctor appointment so when I called at 5 if he wasn’t home, not to worry because that’s where he was. I asked him what was wrong and he told me he had an infection on his butt.

Saturday morning as soon as I walked through the door at his house, I asked him what the doctor said.

Doctor says I have a cheese infection, have you ever heard of that?

No, never are you sure that’s what he said?

Yes, he said I have a cheese infection, it’s like what women get, have you ever had a cheese infection?

No, never, then it dawned on me what he was trying to say.

I said you don’t have a cheese infection, you have a yeast infection

            What?

A yeast infection, you know like what you use to make bread, yeast.

            What? Make the bed? Yee?

No YEAST, YEAST, YEAST, YEAST! IT’S A YEAST INFECTION!!!

Let me write it down for you.

Oh, heh heh, yeast, that’s what women get in their pussies, isn’t it?

Yes

I don’t have a pussy, how did I get it?

You got it because you don’t change your diaper every day, I told you your ass was going to rot off if you didn’t change it every day, and now it is. Promise me you will change it every day now. That infection is not going to get better if you don’t keep yourself clean and change every day. Are you going to change every day? EVERY DAY!!!

Yes, yes, ok I’ll change it every day.

And put Bag Balm on it, it’s like a bad diaper rash, Bag Balm will help, will you put Bag Balm on it every day?

Yes, I suppose, but I can’t see it

You can feel it though can’t you?

Yes

Then you don’t have to see it, just make sure you wash your hands before and after, will you do that?

Yes, I will.

We’ll see if he will or not, he has enough money to buy all the diapers he needs, but he’s a child of the depression and $.30 a day is way too expensive to waste a diaper a day on. During the "last depression" you could buy a bowl of mashed potatoes with turkey for $.30 a day.

He won’t waste 30 cents on hygene, and he won’t pay $2.50 to go hang out at the senior center, and have lunch when he has perfectly good food at home. He would rather sit home and be lonely than spend the money for some company. He says he’s frugal, I say he’s cheap.

What he will spend money on are gimmicks, like those bracelets with “magic holograms” that are supposed to help your balance, or a supplement guaranteed to cure prostate cancer. Even when I pull up reviews and tell him it’s a waste of money and 99 out of 100 people said it doesn’t work, he’ll still shell out the $9.95 to see if he is like the one person that it did work for.

96 and still kickin’ I guess he’s doing something right.