Monday, December 27, 2010

Fond Christmas Memories

I got to thinking today about all of the Christmas’s that I can remember. The best Christmas was when I was around 9 and my cousins were up from Florida, and my grandparents were up from California. It was July or August, and while we slept our parents put up a tree and wrapped presents. When we got up in the morning Santa Clause had come (not that I still believed) but it was great. We had never had Christmas together as a family before, it was special.

That was the same summer my grandpa fell off the porch and landed on his head. He said it was because someone hit him with a stun gun. Truth be told, he was trying to kick the cat.

Fast forward a few years, I’m teen-ish and we’re spending Christmas Eve with my brother’s in-laws. There were 4 girls in that family, and they all fought, I hated going there, but I couldn’t spend Christmas alone. They were super responsible people, little kids running around, and every year, one of the babies would eat the bourbon balls. Sheesh people, put the booze candy out of reach, might as well feed them pot brownies with a mushroom chaser. Fortunately my parents let me drink, that was about all that would get me through the night.

Some of my dad’s family is a little back woodsy. One year, after dinner, my cousin who had just gotten out of prison said to me “Gee Madge…. You sure grew up to be a pretty girl” What do you say to that?  I still hear the banjos.  

Most of the family smoked, and it was guaranteed that we were going to get to eat ashes of cigarettes past in whatever food we were served. One of the aunts makes scalloped potatoes with ham. Here’s the recipe:

Potato Chips
Cream of Chicken Soup
Cigarette Smoke (for flavor)
And the cheapest pre packaged lunch meat you can buy

Usually they make the dish a few days in advance and eat on it, then bring the left-over’s for the rest of the family.

This Christmas was really good. The kids spent the night, and our granddaughter was with us on Christmas morning, my side of the family came over for breakfast. I don’t spend enough time with my side of the family, so it was nice to have them over.

I completely forgot about leaving milk and cookies for Santa, but that’s ok, because he prefers shots of whisky, and he had plenty of those.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Fun Things I Follow

If you haven't checked out Jim's Pancakes, go, he's very talented.

Texts from last night cracks me up, and if you love the text you can buy a shirt that quotes it I'm not a fan of shirts that say stupid things, but I love stupid people that say stupid things.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

What's Wrong with Bleach

Henry has been using baby wipes to take care of his nether regions, when he ran out he bought something else that he didn’t like because they don’t pop up.

He said he found some wipes in the cupboard that do and they’re anti-bacterial.

I thought to myself, oh ok, an anti-bacterial hand wipe won’t be too bad, but then he complained that his but hurt. So I was thinking they could be alcohol wipes.

When I was helping him out of the shower, he grabbed a tub of Clorox wipes, and said, “Here, this is what I’ve been using”

I SCREAMED!!!!! Grabbed the wipes and ran and hid them. (a little bit of an over-reaction, I agree)

When I came back in and told him never ever to use those on his skin.

His reaction was

“What’s wrong with bleach?”
Aaarrrgggggg the trials of raising a 95 year old.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Sh*t Henry Says

So here it is.. my first post. I’m not sure what to write about so I guess I’ll start with “Sh*t that Henry Says”

I have a day job, Monday through Friday I’m an office manager for a financial advisor. But one weekend morning a week I drive 30 miles one way to take care of Henry. He’s 95 and I’ve been caring for him for 15 years. I started taking care of him and his wife then she died of the big “C” and I promised her I would take care of him until he either died or wound up in a nursing home. Little did I know I was signing on for 10+ years.

I don’t do it for the money, he pays me $25 to cook, clean and help him take a shower.

These are a few things that I have learned from him.

  1. If you have a penis it’s going to shrink, if you have a foreskin, it won’t. He has told me on several occasions that his penis is the size of a two year olds and if you don’t get a piss boner you can’t pull back your foreskin enough to keep from spraying pee everywhere.
  2. Women that will give you a free sample, don’t always expect you to marry them, they just want your sex. But don’t try to get a second sample unless you have a ring in your pocket.
  3. The slide whistle is a great instrument.
(as soon as I can figure out how to post sounds, I’ll post samples, they’re adorable)

This is a conversation we had recently.

Henry (looking at a playboy)
“Hey, come here, look at this, this woman looks very peculiar”
“Why do you say that?”
“She doesn’t have any hair down there. What’s wrong with her, did she have lice or something”
“No, some women just wear it like that”
“Oh do you have black hair by cracky”
“What!! That’s none of your business”
“HAHA!! Do you know that if you don’t keep it trimmed up, you have to comb through it to have a BM?”

Ok, Please correct me if I’m wrong, or maybe I’m missing something, but I have never in all of my 39 years seen an ass hair comb. But I’ve never looked for one either. I’ll get to Googling and let you know what I find.