Saturday, January 29, 2011

Dog Fashion?

I’m in the kitchen fixing breakfast for Henry.

He said: I want to ask you a yes or no question will you answer it?  

Me: Well depends go ahead and ask, and we’ll we if I answer

Henry: Have you ever done it on your hands and knees, you know like dog fashion?

Me: Why would you ask that?

Henry: I don’t know, just curious I guess. I used to try to do Nina like that, it was the only way I could get it in all the way, but she didn't like it because I always bottomed out.

Me: Oh, that’s too bad

Henry: So have you or not?

Me: I’m not going to answer that; I’ll just leave it to your imagination.

Henry: Would you tell me if you haven’t done it?

Me: No, that would be the same as telling you if I did do it, no, I’m not going to answer that.

Henry: Oh, ok, just thought I’d ask….. so you’re really not going to tell me?

Me: Nope, sorry, anything else you want to ask?

Henry: No, I guess if you won’t answer that, you won’t answer my next question, I guess I'll just read you your horoscope. But I don’t know why you won’t answer.

Any time he talks about sex, he makes a motion with his arm and hand like he's putting on a bracelet. It reminds me of what it looks like when they pregnancy test a cow. gross.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Separated at Birth?

So I was telling Cardiogirl that I thought my high school science teacher looked like Barry Manilo, you be the judge. Except for the eyebrows, and the hair I think it's pretty close, you cant really see her nose, but it's big.

Friday, January 21, 2011

He Drove an Orange Gremlin

When I was a senior in high school I went on the worst date ever. This boy that I sort of dated as a freshman asked me to go to see Billy Squier in Seattle. He said someone had given him the tickets and I would just have to help pay for gas. That was cool, I had a job (he didn’t) I didn’t mind helping pay for gas.

I gave him money for gas, we had about ½ a tank, and we took off, Seattle was a little over an hour away. When we got to the show, we had to pay for parking, I offered to pay, He let me. We went to McDonalds, I was starving, I ordered my food, and asked him if he was going to order anything. He then told me that he didn’t bring any money, I got to pay for dinner. We walked into the Paramount Theatre, I’m sure it was great in it’s day, it was a little run down, but still ok. I bought a pop, and a shirt. He asked me if I had enough money to buy him a shirt too. NO! I don’t have enough money to buy you a shirt too, I left the house with $50 to buy gas, I got to pay for gas, parking, dinner, pop, my shirt, and you want me to buy you a shirt too? No I don’t have enough. You can’t have anything, here drink some pop.

The show was ok; when it was over we headed home. He was tired, I didn’t realize that being cheap made you sleepy, but apparently it does. He told me to drive, I didn’t have a driver’s license, and I didn’t know how to drive a stick, I clutched, he shifted, and we were on our way. He fell asleep and slept all the way to Bremerton when I hit a stop light, and he had to get us going again. Half way to town in the middle of nowhere, he wanted me to put out. PUT OUT!  IN THE BACK OF THE ORANGE GREMLIN!! Oh! HELL NO! I totally threw down, poor thing didn't no what hit him, he didn't know what to say, when I reminded him how I had to pay for everything and how not only was I not going to put out, he was never ever going to go anywhere with me again, don’t look at me, don’t tell anyone we went together to this concert. 3 blocks from my house, he looks at the gas gauge and says I don’t have enough gas to get home. I had 4 dollars left, thankfully gas was only $.91 a gallon back then. I put it in his tank and never spoke to him again.

Thursday, January 20, 2011


I looked up how many calories and fat in full fat buttermilk ranch. It took me to someone thought this question was important enough to ask the world.


What is the water in sweet tea?


Scary thing, the world didn't answer.... but I did. Yay Me

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Best Thing I Ever Won

I was born with big ears; they stuck out a lot, as you can see. When I was little I had to wear my hair long, rarely pulled it up into a pony or pigtails because kids are mean. When I did cut it short, it still had to cover my ears, which was really hard, because usually they would wind up poking out of my hair. I eventually sort of grew into my ears, the head grew, the ears stayed about the same size, but they still stuck out.

There was a shock jock radio guy the T-man in Seattle, and he had this competition called “Boob Camp” where he would have really flat chested girls play games to win a boob job. On this particular year, he offered a boob job to the flatties, and a secondary surgery to someone else.

I went in to the studio for a short on-air interview, he had a habit of berating women, but he was pretty nice to me that day. I was up against 3 liposuctions and a nose job.

They put our pictures on the internet, and people had to vote on who they thought needed the surgery. 

The girl in second place got somewhere around 2500 votes, she really needed lipo on her thighs, and I would have been very happy for her if she would have won, she was a really sweet girl, you could tell she worked out like crazy but she had ginormous hereditary thighs.

I got over 3000 votes, thanks in part to my sister and the military. She emailed her friends across the world and asked them to vote and get other people to vote, and I won!
That was about 10 years ago, and I still love my new ears.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

The Dilemma

Saw "The Dilemma" last night, not too impressed, I love Vince Vaughn and Kevin James, but this movie was a little too serious to be funny. It had it's moments. But I would wait for RedBox or Netflix.

Friday, January 14, 2011

The Good, the Bad, The Lumpy

My brother Lumpy, is one of the reddest of all Northwest rednecks. He’s 50. He is completely incapable of deciding on a plan, completing a plan, and considering the consequences prior to starting the plan. He also still very proudly wears a mullet, has a beer gut, and every one of his shirts says “Harley Davidson” on it. He has also worn the same size pants since high school. You know the type, as the belly grows, the pants slide down a little, until pretty soon they barely cover the pubes, but they won’t buy a bigger size.

The following is a list of LumpyDumbs, be thankful he’s not related to you.

When my nephew was around 6 or 7 Lumpy bought him a shotgun, took him out in the back yard to shoot it, and it just about ripped his little Kermit the Frog arms off with the recoil.

One year, Lumpy and the family were late to Christmas because the pig got out of the pen and got into the car.

A few years later, he tried to kill that pig before the butcher showed up, he shot it in the head with a 22, it just squealed and walked away.

He is not a manager where he works, but he thinks he is, he’s the safety guy, it’s his job to show new hires videos, and walk them around the mill. He thought it would be a good idea to bring a couch into his “office” so he had the fork truck guy set it up on the landing, toted it up a flight of stairs, and across a catwalk. When management found he had furnished his office, they made him get rid of it. He hauled it back across the catwalk, down the stairs, and heaved it over the landing. When it broke open it had a bunch of black widow spiders in it.

He always wanted a Harley, the Fat Boy was his dream bike, it was all he could talk about for years, but when it came time to actually buy a Harley, the 883 (the girl bike of the Harley’s) was all he could afford. When he insured it, he told the insurance company it was a 1000 Sportster. I hated to break his little bubble, they call it an 883 because it’s an 883 not a 1000.

A few years later he wanted to paint his bike, we have painted 3 bikes and a couple of cars. (I’m really good at bondo, if I do say so myself.) He went to a new stencil store in town and told them what he wanted, they said they couldn’t make the type of stencil he needed, but he insisted. Put it on the bike, and painted it. When he pulled the stencil off, it took all the paint down to the primer with it. Back to square one, new stencil, same problem. Finally, he got it to work, peeled it off, clear coat, sanded…. Only to realize it said Harley DAVISON. Back to square one, finally got it right, but he didn’t tape off the threads on the gas cap, and it overflowed the next week and ruined his paint. His bike is 10 years old now and only has about 3k miles on it. It’s a rusted P.O.S.

He had a couch; he didn’t want to pay to haul it to the dump, so he tossed it in the back yard, doused it with gas and lit it on fire. For some reason he thought he would be able to sweep the remains up into a neat little pile in a dustpan. It was a hide a bed complete with mattress, and he was surprised at all the scrap metal that came out of that thing.

The E-Break went out on his truck, he lives on a hill. He forgot to put the block of wood under the tire, and it rolled across the street into the neighbor’s garage…. Twice.

My niece had a baby that was less than a year old and was he mad that she and her husband wouldn't take the baby on the treacherous roadway during that icy Christmas season. He said that he took his babies out, rain snow, sleet, hail or dark of night (maybe not all that, and of the fact that he was drunk is a given) during the holidays. He called her due care and caution "Lazy Parenting".

He hit an otter on the way home, and had it stuffed and mounted.

He’s proud to buy obviously second hand gifts for his kids from the pawn shop (he can afford new) and is really excited to win them off the punch board at the bar, then tell everyone how lucky he was to win it.

He loves to buy boats that just need this or that fixed, and the first time out in the water, the motor fails in the middle of the lake.

He bought a new pontoon boat, but didn’t tie it down to the trailer and it blew off.

He’s the cook at work functions, and he used galvanized nails to mark the rare steaks.

Just a few months ago he was up in the mountains drunk with a friend; they got stuck in the snow. Luckily he had cell service and called his girlfriend to let her know that he was going to be late. She panicked, and called 911 who promptly assembled a search party. She called him back to let him know that help was on the way. He had to call them and call off the search. They buried their beer in the back of the truck under snow, and dug themselves out.

Currently he is building a bar-b-q pit in the back yard; he dug it into the hillside. In the winter the back yard is like a river, rather than laying good drainage big rocks, rocks, gravel, sand and bricks, he’s just using sand and bricks. It’s below grade; he’s building a covered water feature. All his hard work will be for naught when the waterfall starts flowing over the railroad ties, and the sand washes out from under the bricks.

So there you go, most of Lumpy’s dumbest antics. Hope you enjoyed.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Open Letter to the Grunter

First off… there are probably only 15 people on our entire floor on any given day. I know you don’t work in my office because there are only 3 of us and we never go to the bathroom at the same time. I’m not sure if anyone told you but stall 2 is mine, I was here first, I laid claim on it, and you insist in using it. I don’t mind sharing, but you’re a disgusting pig who never learned to flush twice to make sure the bowl is sparkling clean for the next person.
I have a pretty good idea who you are, you are either the weird Asian, or the one that looks like Lady Aberlin from Mr. Rodgers, only your blush is the wrong color for you skin and you wear waaayyyy too much of it…. Clown!
Also, neither of your parents bothered to teach you bathroom etiquette. Let my run down the list so you get it from here on out.

  • Stall 2 is MINE!
  • When you hear someone come into the bathroom, the GRUNTING regardless of how constipated you are must stop! The first time I heard it, I thought you were taking care of yourself umm well sexually. I have come to realize that either way I don’t want to hear it… Not from you – Not EVER! There is such a thing as fiber, I suggest you buy some.
  • Have you ever heard of the catcher’s mitt and the muffler?
Let me break it down for you…. The catcher’s mitt is a big wad of tp or a couple of ass gaskets that you put in the water to prevent others from hearing the plop. And the muffler is the wad of tp that you hold over your ass to stop the sounds of your horrible flatulence. BTW what do you eat? Whatever it is change your diet.
  • If you are the weird Asian, puking in the bathroom sink is not ok. Ever!
  • I don’t know how you manage to pee on the floor in front of the toilet, but I don’t want my pants to drag in it, so please wipe that up.
  • Please! Please! For the love of God and all things holy. Please check to make sure everything flushes, I can’t tell you how many times I have had to roam each of the 4 stalls looking for an empty toilet paper roll to shove that huge wad of toilet paper (that obviously was not your catcher’s mitt or muffler) down into the water so it would flush. Nobody wants to have to do that, but it’s your pee, you own it until every trace of it is flushed from the toilet.
Please follow these directions, way down on the first floor where there are no tenants, and I won’t have to drag you from my stall by the short hairs vigilante style (with gloved hands, I aint’ touchin’ that!)  next time you are in there.

Thank you.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Help Me... Can Somebody Please Help Me?

I'm a blog Feeb, How do I get the reply button in my comments? Anyone... Anyone... Bueller.... Bueller... Anyone?

Got it. thanks CG and Token.

The Tampon Bunny

Linda suggested I make a Tampon Bunny. Not bad for my first try. Anyone else have a suggestion?

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I Resolve to Resolve Some Issues.....

Thoughts are things and words are actions, I’ll be putting my resolutions out for the world to see.

  1. Remember next Christmas to buy a tree skirt garbage bag to wrap the tree in when we’re through with it, and don’t wrap the trunk of the tree in lights. (see prior post)

  1. Stop licking envelopes, I have a sponge licker, and I need to use it. Licking envelopes is gross.

  1. Read more and watch less TV

  1. Finish craft projects that I start. I have a bag of tampon angels that I started a year ago Christmas that don’t have halos, wings or faces. Two quilts that are half done, and an afghan that I started on vacation about 6 years ago that really need to be finished and donated. Which brings me to number 5

  1. Give more, I give a lot of my time, energy, and money to family, work and friends, but not enough to the community.

  1. I should stop drinking, but it’s all about setting goals I can achieve, so I’ll just say, drink less.

  1. I am going to think before I hormonally speak. I’m all menopausal, and I am very snappy and snide when I don’t mean it. I really need to focus on choosing my words and tone carefully.

  1. I am going to spend more time with my family. Including my brother Lumpy Dumpy the Big Fat Ape, even though he stares at my tits.

  1. I’m trying really hard not to keep important notes on post-its, I have stacks of them with random info on my desk that I sort through periodically and toss.

  1. This one is the biggy. I am going to try to let go of the people that don’t give back the love they get. I’m going to try to let go of the things that are taking up space in my mind, my heart, and my life so that I can give more to the people who truly deserve it.

So that’s it, it’s out there. Now I just need to stop procrastinating and get it done…
Oh yeah.
  1. Stop Procrastinating

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

What I Did on My New Year Vacation

Finally… I had a day off on Friday, we had some family and friends over to play Rock Band and eat. I whipped up a lasagna, and everyone brought snacks and drinks. We had a great time.

I didn’t drink very much, I was concentrating on playing drums, come to find out I really have no rhythm and I already knew I wasn’t coordinated. I manage to fall down at least once a year. The last time I fell I was getting out of the truck, somehow my feet got tangled up and I fell onto the street onto my tailbone. It didn’t stop me from going on an 18 mile bicycle ride afterward, but the next day I could hardly walk or sit.

Saturday, we slept until around 10, and unlike most, my new year’s resolution does not involve going to the gym, so Steve went to the gym and I undecorated the tree. I started taking off the decorations, so far so good. When I was putting the lights on, I thought it would be a great idea to wrap them around the trunk of the tree, good idea when the branches are nice and fresh, but after 3 weeks of not drinking any water, (yeah, another mistake, instead of limbing the tree up so it would sit at the bottom of the stand, we propped it up on a GoJo tub, and it sealed the bottom of the tree so that it couldn’t get any water) it was pretty crispy, and I couldn’t make the limbs get out of the way to take the lights off.

It all started with pruning shears, I clipped off all of the small branches at the top of the tree, and worked my way down to sawing the bigger ones off. A thinking person would have dragged the tree outside. It was 20 degrees here on Saturday, and I refused to take off my new footie pajamas. So the tree, all of it’s dried up crusty limbs and its shedding needles stayed in the living room nice and toasty with me. I stacked all the limbs up on a sheet and hauled them out to the compost pile Santa Claus style. Moved the trunk to the garage, and there it will sit until recycle day.

Charlie Brown ain’t got nothin’ on my tree!