Thursday, January 13, 2011

Open Letter to the Grunter

First off… there are probably only 15 people on our entire floor on any given day. I know you don’t work in my office because there are only 3 of us and we never go to the bathroom at the same time. I’m not sure if anyone told you but stall 2 is mine, I was here first, I laid claim on it, and you insist in using it. I don’t mind sharing, but you’re a disgusting pig who never learned to flush twice to make sure the bowl is sparkling clean for the next person.
I have a pretty good idea who you are, you are either the weird Asian, or the one that looks like Lady Aberlin from Mr. Rodgers, only your blush is the wrong color for you skin and you wear waaayyyy too much of it…. Clown!
Also, neither of your parents bothered to teach you bathroom etiquette. Let my run down the list so you get it from here on out.

  • Stall 2 is MINE!
  • When you hear someone come into the bathroom, the GRUNTING regardless of how constipated you are must stop! The first time I heard it, I thought you were taking care of yourself umm well sexually. I have come to realize that either way I don’t want to hear it… Not from you – Not EVER! There is such a thing as fiber, I suggest you buy some.
  • Have you ever heard of the catcher’s mitt and the muffler?
Let me break it down for you…. The catcher’s mitt is a big wad of tp or a couple of ass gaskets that you put in the water to prevent others from hearing the plop. And the muffler is the wad of tp that you hold over your ass to stop the sounds of your horrible flatulence. BTW what do you eat? Whatever it is change your diet.
  • If you are the weird Asian, puking in the bathroom sink is not ok. Ever!
  • I don’t know how you manage to pee on the floor in front of the toilet, but I don’t want my pants to drag in it, so please wipe that up.
  • Please! Please! For the love of God and all things holy. Please check to make sure everything flushes, I can’t tell you how many times I have had to roam each of the 4 stalls looking for an empty toilet paper roll to shove that huge wad of toilet paper (that obviously was not your catcher’s mitt or muffler) down into the water so it would flush. Nobody wants to have to do that, but it’s your pee, you own it until every trace of it is flushed from the toilet.
Please follow these directions, way down on the first floor where there are no tenants, and I won’t have to drag you from my stall by the short hairs vigilante style (with gloved hands, I aint’ touchin’ that!)  next time you are in there.

Thank you.

40 comments:

  1. This is why I work at home. Never heard of the catcher's mitt or the muffler though I will totally remember that if necessary.

    I NEVER understand how pee gets on the seat or the floor of the womens bathroom. When I see that I assume a mom was in there with her son and he missed. I like that thought better.

    Who poops at work? Can't we do this at home before we leave?

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  2. Your Share button is jacked up. I've tried to share on FB twice now and it just sits there and rolls for minutes until I cancel it out. Fix that so I can share.

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  3. Thanks for the heads-up, I'll see what I can do to fix it

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  4. I don't know, and if you really can't go now, don't force it wait unitl you get home. I think once I heard her crying because she couldn't go. I know there are no little kids in our building, really think that somehow she manages to pee on the floor. She could be a shim I suppose and shim forgets to tuck it. I don't know.

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  5. I seriously do not miss working in an office! *shudder*

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  6. I used to work in an office with that had 2 stalls for about 20 people. Once crazy Kathy came in the bathroom and said "is that you madge? I thought I made eye contact with you through the crack" WTF!!! Crack peaker!!! who does that? We started hanging a toilet paper streamer down the crack so she couldn't peak in.

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  7. Wait, I think it might have worked. Let me check FB.

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  8. Uh, Madge, how are you adding one follower a day? In a year, you will have 365 followers. In ten years, a lot more. I've never seen this before.

    This post is just awful. Funny but awful. Ask your firm to put in a little bathroom just for you. It's much nicer when you are the only one who uses it.

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  9. mikewjattoomanymorningsJanuary 13, 2011 at 3:43 PM

    You're not going to believe how prophetic this post is, Madge.

    And I hate grunters. Men are the worst ones for it. Men will grunt to pee, and sometimes I think they just came in the urinal it's so loud and prolonged. Gross.

    There's a guy in my office--not sure who yet--who must have the hairiest butt on the planet because everytime he uses the toilet, the seat in covered front to back in little black hairs. It totally grosses me out. Totally.

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  10. mikewjattoomanymorningsJanuary 13, 2011 at 3:46 PM

    Madge is hugely popular, and will soon be America's leading blogger behind Dooce, making millions of dollars with her wit and charm and willingness to write about things most people have never heard about, like the catcher's mitt and the muffler.

    It's sobering, really. Something like 12 people read my blog, and that's after 2 years of pounding the keys. In two weeks, Madge has already topped me, and soon she won't even remember who I am.

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  11. mikewjattoomanymorningsJanuary 13, 2011 at 3:47 PM

    What the fuck's a share button? Is this how Madge is taking the blogosphere by storm?

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  12. Michael, you are being a little prissy.

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  13. All of the people who read me came from you and Linda. Except Quirky, I read her before I read either of you, but I did find you through her. And it is because of you that I now blog. For Pete's sake Michael, you have a kabillion followers, how do you know they aren't reading? You have a kabillion, that means I'll have a kabillion and 12. Or not. There's room in the blogisphere for everyone. I won't forget the little people that helped me become wildly successful even if I can't spell.

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  14. Gross, and there probably isn't much tp left when he's done in there either, is there.

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  15. On that note... is AdSense worth my time?

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  16. I didn't know either, I tried to turn it on, but It doesn't want to be used.

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  17. I was a department store janitor for a very short time. The whole thought
    Of cum un the urinal makes me want to hurl, that, and lugies.

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  18. You said it, Madge! And while you're at it... how about the people who leave pee on the toilet seat? I mean, come on...

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  19. I hope she remembers us little people when she's rich and famous.

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  20. Crack peekers should be wrapped in toilet paper and flushed.

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  21. Wow! I'm getting quite an education.

    It's a bathroom. Farts and plops happen but a courtesy flush never hurts! As for women grunting, that's sad.

    Pee on the floor? Puke in the sink? Were these people raised in a barn?

    EW!

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  22. I agree, they do happen, but I appreciate they don't happen when I'm in there, or just prior to going in there. It was horrible the day she puked in the sink, the sound of someone puking makes me want to puke, but to see it happening, full on x2 because of the mirror was almost more than I could handle. Then she had to talk while she was doing it. Like when you drink too much and you are so sorry you did, it was full of oh God's and here it comes again's.

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  23. I know! Science proves that the ass gasket doesn't really protect from anything, but at least cover and hover, don't just hover. Personally I don't have the leg strength to hover, never have.

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  24. I will. I will definately thank all of you in my thank you speach to the acadamy

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  25. I just blurted out the biggest laugh at that. So glad the boss isn't here I'd have to fess up to not working.

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  26. Best invention ever is the automatic seat covers they have in some airports... now that's first class flying.

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  27. Try again, Jen... it worked for me. Then again, maybe I just have "the touch."

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  28. Ha Ha, No thankfully he's out of town.

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  29. And here I thought I was thick-skinned enough to grunt in public and not care what others were thinking.

    Apparently, I'm wrong.

    *grin*

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  30. Ohh Quirks.... you have an excuse, you have a "condition" she um shim uh whatever shim the floor pee'r is just needs fiber

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  31. Also grunting in a true public restroom, like a rest stop or gas station is one thing. But the odds of being in the bathroom with shim at any given time during the day are 5/1

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  32. It's strange how mosts posts about shit attract the most comments. What are we, flies?? BonyMike (a.k.a. MikeWJ) I understand - he's generally full of it (but you really, really got to read his Las Vegas post - sorry I don't recall the name of the post). For the record, it was that post that attracted me to blogging.

    Ha! Crack peekers? Hell, I only have to look at the shoes to make the identification, but I never engage in commode conversation.
    ;-)

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  33. I've been trying to see her shoes when I catch her in the hall. I think weird Asian wears crocks, so it might just be Lady Aberlin, but I can't be sure.

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  34. I could not work there and share that bathroom with those...unsuitable ... words, words, I just don't have the right and awful words!

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  35. Yeah, yesterday I just walked in and yelled (sort of in my head) Please people find and read my blog!!

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