The Good, the Bad, The Lumpy

My brother Lumpy, is one of the reddest of all Northwest rednecks. He’s 50. He is completely incapable of deciding on a plan, completing a plan, and considering the consequences prior to starting the plan. He also still very proudly wears a mullet, has a beer gut, and every one of his shirts says “Harley Davidson” on it. He has also worn the same size pants since high school. You know the type, as the belly grows, the pants slide down a little, until pretty soon they barely cover the pubes, but they won’t buy a bigger size.

The following is a list of LumpyDumbs, be thankful he’s not related to you.

When my nephew was around 6 or 7 Lumpy bought him a shotgun, took him out in the back yard to shoot it, and it just about ripped his little Kermit the Frog arms off with the recoil.

One year, Lumpy and the family were late to Christmas because the pig got out of the pen and got into the car.

A few years later, he tried to kill that pig before the butcher showed up, he shot it in the head with a 22, it just squealed and walked away.

He is not a manager where he works, but he thinks he is, he’s the safety guy, it’s his job to show new hires videos, and walk them around the mill. He thought it would be a good idea to bring a couch into his “office” so he had the fork truck guy set it up on the landing, toted it up a flight of stairs, and across a catwalk. When management found he had furnished his office, they made him get rid of it. He hauled it back across the catwalk, down the stairs, and heaved it over the landing. When it broke open it had a bunch of black widow spiders in it.

He always wanted a Harley, the Fat Boy was his dream bike, it was all he could talk about for years, but when it came time to actually buy a Harley, the 883 (the girl bike of the Harley’s) was all he could afford. When he insured it, he told the insurance company it was a 1000 Sportster. I hated to break his little bubble, they call it an 883 because it’s an 883 not a 1000.

A few years later he wanted to paint his bike, we have painted 3 bikes and a couple of cars. (I’m really good at bondo, if I do say so myself.) He went to a new stencil store in town and told them what he wanted, they said they couldn’t make the type of stencil he needed, but he insisted. Put it on the bike, and painted it. When he pulled the stencil off, it took all the paint down to the primer with it. Back to square one, new stencil, same problem. Finally, he got it to work, peeled it off, clear coat, sanded…. Only to realize it said Harley DAVISON. Back to square one, finally got it right, but he didn’t tape off the threads on the gas cap, and it overflowed the next week and ruined his paint. His bike is 10 years old now and only has about 3k miles on it. It’s a rusted P.O.S.

He had a couch; he didn’t want to pay to haul it to the dump, so he tossed it in the back yard, doused it with gas and lit it on fire. For some reason he thought he would be able to sweep the remains up into a neat little pile in a dustpan. It was a hide a bed complete with mattress, and he was surprised at all the scrap metal that came out of that thing.

The E-Break went out on his truck, he lives on a hill. He forgot to put the block of wood under the tire, and it rolled across the street into the neighbor’s garage…. Twice.

My niece had a baby that was less than a year old and was he mad that she and her husband wouldn't take the baby on the treacherous roadway during that icy Christmas season. He said that he took his babies out, rain snow, sleet, hail or dark of night (maybe not all that, and of the fact that he was drunk is a given) during the holidays. He called her due care and caution "Lazy Parenting".

He hit an otter on the way home, and had it stuffed and mounted.

He’s proud to buy obviously second hand gifts for his kids from the pawn shop (he can afford new) and is really excited to win them off the punch board at the bar, then tell everyone how lucky he was to win it.

He loves to buy boats that just need this or that fixed, and the first time out in the water, the motor fails in the middle of the lake.

He bought a new pontoon boat, but didn’t tie it down to the trailer and it blew off.

He’s the cook at work functions, and he used galvanized nails to mark the rare steaks.

Just a few months ago he was up in the mountains drunk with a friend; they got stuck in the snow. Luckily he had cell service and called his girlfriend to let her know that he was going to be late. She panicked, and called 911 who promptly assembled a search party. She called him back to let him know that help was on the way. He had to call them and call off the search. They buried their beer in the back of the truck under snow, and dug themselves out.

Currently he is building a bar-b-q pit in the back yard; he dug it into the hillside. In the winter the back yard is like a river, rather than laying good drainage big rocks, rocks, gravel, sand and bricks, he’s just using sand and bricks. It’s below grade; he’s building a covered water feature. All his hard work will be for naught when the waterfall starts flowing over the railroad ties, and the sand washes out from under the bricks.

So there you go, most of Lumpy’s dumbest antics. Hope you enjoyed.