Friday, January 14, 2011

The Good, the Bad, The Lumpy

My brother Lumpy, is one of the reddest of all Northwest rednecks. He’s 50. He is completely incapable of deciding on a plan, completing a plan, and considering the consequences prior to starting the plan. He also still very proudly wears a mullet, has a beer gut, and every one of his shirts says “Harley Davidson” on it. He has also worn the same size pants since high school. You know the type, as the belly grows, the pants slide down a little, until pretty soon they barely cover the pubes, but they won’t buy a bigger size.

The following is a list of LumpyDumbs, be thankful he’s not related to you.

When my nephew was around 6 or 7 Lumpy bought him a shotgun, took him out in the back yard to shoot it, and it just about ripped his little Kermit the Frog arms off with the recoil.

One year, Lumpy and the family were late to Christmas because the pig got out of the pen and got into the car.

A few years later, he tried to kill that pig before the butcher showed up, he shot it in the head with a 22, it just squealed and walked away.

He is not a manager where he works, but he thinks he is, he’s the safety guy, it’s his job to show new hires videos, and walk them around the mill. He thought it would be a good idea to bring a couch into his “office” so he had the fork truck guy set it up on the landing, toted it up a flight of stairs, and across a catwalk. When management found he had furnished his office, they made him get rid of it. He hauled it back across the catwalk, down the stairs, and heaved it over the landing. When it broke open it had a bunch of black widow spiders in it.

He always wanted a Harley, the Fat Boy was his dream bike, it was all he could talk about for years, but when it came time to actually buy a Harley, the 883 (the girl bike of the Harley’s) was all he could afford. When he insured it, he told the insurance company it was a 1000 Sportster. I hated to break his little bubble, they call it an 883 because it’s an 883 not a 1000.

A few years later he wanted to paint his bike, we have painted 3 bikes and a couple of cars. (I’m really good at bondo, if I do say so myself.) He went to a new stencil store in town and told them what he wanted, they said they couldn’t make the type of stencil he needed, but he insisted. Put it on the bike, and painted it. When he pulled the stencil off, it took all the paint down to the primer with it. Back to square one, new stencil, same problem. Finally, he got it to work, peeled it off, clear coat, sanded…. Only to realize it said Harley DAVISON. Back to square one, finally got it right, but he didn’t tape off the threads on the gas cap, and it overflowed the next week and ruined his paint. His bike is 10 years old now and only has about 3k miles on it. It’s a rusted P.O.S.

He had a couch; he didn’t want to pay to haul it to the dump, so he tossed it in the back yard, doused it with gas and lit it on fire. For some reason he thought he would be able to sweep the remains up into a neat little pile in a dustpan. It was a hide a bed complete with mattress, and he was surprised at all the scrap metal that came out of that thing.

The E-Break went out on his truck, he lives on a hill. He forgot to put the block of wood under the tire, and it rolled across the street into the neighbor’s garage…. Twice.

My niece had a baby that was less than a year old and was he mad that she and her husband wouldn't take the baby on the treacherous roadway during that icy Christmas season. He said that he took his babies out, rain snow, sleet, hail or dark of night (maybe not all that, and of the fact that he was drunk is a given) during the holidays. He called her due care and caution "Lazy Parenting".

He hit an otter on the way home, and had it stuffed and mounted.

He’s proud to buy obviously second hand gifts for his kids from the pawn shop (he can afford new) and is really excited to win them off the punch board at the bar, then tell everyone how lucky he was to win it.

He loves to buy boats that just need this or that fixed, and the first time out in the water, the motor fails in the middle of the lake.

He bought a new pontoon boat, but didn’t tie it down to the trailer and it blew off.

He’s the cook at work functions, and he used galvanized nails to mark the rare steaks.

Just a few months ago he was up in the mountains drunk with a friend; they got stuck in the snow. Luckily he had cell service and called his girlfriend to let her know that he was going to be late. She panicked, and called 911 who promptly assembled a search party. She called him back to let him know that help was on the way. He had to call them and call off the search. They buried their beer in the back of the truck under snow, and dug themselves out.

Currently he is building a bar-b-q pit in the back yard; he dug it into the hillside. In the winter the back yard is like a river, rather than laying good drainage big rocks, rocks, gravel, sand and bricks, he’s just using sand and bricks. It’s below grade; he’s building a covered water feature. All his hard work will be for naught when the waterfall starts flowing over the railroad ties, and the sand washes out from under the bricks.

So there you go, most of Lumpy’s dumbest antics. Hope you enjoyed.


  1. Are you sure Lumpy is your real brother? Could he have been mixed up at the hospital with another child? This guy has a girlfriend? He has a girlfriend who tried to save him from death by snow? (You know a wife would not have tried to save this guy's ass.) I'd keep away from him, Madge. But then, he may have charms you just aren't talking about. Yeah, like something... uh huh.

  2. He's a chip off the ol dad's beer bottle, but that's another post for another day.

  3. PIcked up another follower today....

  4. Baby, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Still, I'm sorry you have these people in your life.

  5. I noticed that! I am almost afraid to comment on it because I really have never seen this happen before and I don't want to jinx it.

  6. It's ok I invited Abby she's my friend. Gotta be careful who you invite to follow. My sister is the only family member I'm inviting, and if the rest find me...may God have mercy on their souls.

  7. I just look at all of the family and strangeness as a learning experience, just like all of the 20 jobs I have had in my lifetime. It makes me highly skilled and adaptable.

  8. I think that's why I avoid anything really personal about extended family. If it's my husband, fine, but I don't talk about the others.

  9. I wouldn't even say it if it weren't true, and if he should stumble across it, I've given him enough crap about everything on the list to his face that he wouldn't be surprised that I wrote it down. I wouldn't ever write anything that I thought for a second would hurt their feelings. My concience would weigh too heavy on me if I ever ever did that. I am really sensitive to other people's feelings.

  10. "So there you go, most of Lumpy’s dumbest antics.

    What? There's more? Oy!

    I hope he doesn't blog.

  11. Madge, this post is humor. It's not unkind. I am not close to my 3 sisters, in fact I haven't really been in touch with them since my Mom's death 5 years ago. I never write about it because I could not do so without anger. What you wrote here about Lumpy is funny.

  12. OH! LORD help us if he does. I can't spell. He really can't spell, even with spell check he might spell it correctly but it's the wrong word.
    When I asked him if he was going to layer rocks and such for the water feature he said he was going to
    pore sand. He once told me he was going out of his mined, and on the reports he fills out for work he rights "fallow up" instead of follow. every time.

    So now at home we make sure we over pronounce those words so it sounds like the way he writes, it's fun.

  13. Believe me I could be very unkind, the way he treated the step-monster when my dad died. I know he's taking inventory of everything he wants to get his meat hooks into when I die. Little does he know, that it is in my will that when I die, if he gets greedy, he gets nothing.

  14. The Honorable and Lovely Tammi_Cottontail says:


  15. Hey tam... Do you remember the one about a 2x4 in the back of his truck and the camp trailer? I don't remember the details

  16. This is where people usually say "There's one in every family!". In mine though, there are several!! Luckily, my immediate family is relatively sane, or at least acceptably insane. I have a colleague, though, who has her "idiot brother Larry". I think Larry and Lumpy would be great friends.

  17. That's his real name! Must be what's in a name my dad was a Larry too same thing

  18. My favorite part of this whole blog post?
    "He hit an otter on the way home, and had it stuffed and mounted."
    That is HYSTERICAL to me.

  19. All this and he doesn't have his own TLC reality show? I hear they're cancelling Palin's Show, so there's a time slot open. You clearly have to follow him around with a video camera and then submit the tape. He sounds like a freakin' gold mine of opportunity.

  20. He is a gold mine of opportunity, but I really don't want to spend that much time with him. Maybe I can get his girlfriend to do it, she seems to be the only person who can stand him for long periods of time.

  21. Seriously, this is your brother? It's like a sit com proposal! That Jeff Foxworthy should use this post for material.

    I am so sorry.

  22. Thanks I'm sorry too, I wish he could be normal and not a big fool like he is.

  23. Sigh, some mothers do have them. The arm chair and black widows was one hell of a story. He's gonna live long you know?? lol

  24. He's my brother, I would never wish him away, however a little less red would be GREATLY appreciated. I still have a hard time coming to grips with the fact that we have the same parents. I still believe I'm the mail mans kid.