Saturday, January 29, 2011

Dog Fashion?

I’m in the kitchen fixing breakfast for Henry.

He said: I want to ask you a yes or no question will you answer it?  

Me: Well depends go ahead and ask, and we’ll we if I answer

Henry: Have you ever done it on your hands and knees, you know like dog fashion?

Me: Why would you ask that?

Henry: I don’t know, just curious I guess. I used to try to do Nina like that, it was the only way I could get it in all the way, but she didn't like it because I always bottomed out.

Me: Oh, that’s too bad

Henry: So have you or not?

Me: I’m not going to answer that; I’ll just leave it to your imagination.

Henry: Would you tell me if you haven’t done it?

Me: No, that would be the same as telling you if I did do it, no, I’m not going to answer that.

Henry: Oh, ok, just thought I’d ask….. so you’re really not going to tell me?

Me: Nope, sorry, anything else you want to ask?

Henry: No, I guess if you won’t answer that, you won’t answer my next question, I guess I'll just read you your horoscope. But I don’t know why you won’t answer.


Any time he talks about sex, he makes a motion with his arm and hand like he's putting on a bracelet. It reminds me of what it looks like when they pregnancy test a cow. gross.

38 comments:

  1. Wow....um....poor cow....

    I didn't mean Nina.

    ;-)

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  2. So, now that Henry's not around....are you going to answer the question? :-)

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  3. Well now Nicky, what kind of lady would I be if I went around telling stories like that? I know you know better (i ain't no lady) I was really hurt the first time some bitch teenager called me a lady. I was only 25 or so and she yelled to her friend. "hurry up this LADY wants to use the shower"

    I would have answered him but he has no ability to keep his mouth shut. He would tell all his friends. I never tell him anything too personal.

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  4. That's very interesting...but you still haven't answered the question :-)

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  5. I believe that sex is for procreation, and since I never has the desire to have children, I have never done it. I have been with my husband for 18 years, I make him lie next to me and yet, I give him nothing.

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  6. That Henry! I love that he's a sexy as he is at 95. But I don't blame you for not answering him. Just bring him a photo or something. That's what I would do.

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  7. I love it when Henry asks you questions, Madge! The more inappropriate, the better!

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  8. I'm not sure Henry would believe you on this one...

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  9. Or maybe... poor cow could refer to both of them.

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  10. umm he's not sexy, he just likes to talk dirty

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  11. OH! Damn, I tried to make it sound so true.
    Usually when I show up in the morning and I'm tired he'll say
    AH! HA! I told you, no nookie before you come here, only after, I need all the energy you have around here.

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  12. Also,
    I have been trying to follow you, but your blog keeps falling off my list. Sorry :)

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  13. Sweetie, at 95 that is being sexy.

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  14. Oh, thanks for warning um I mean telling me. I thought sexy was when he put on aqua-velva, he does sometimes. He thinks that all the women who are nice to him want to be his girlfriend. He'll tell me about it then follow that up with, I have nothing to offer a woman, my penis is all shriveled up and I don't think I could remember even if I got the chance.

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  15. I had an old guy who had had a stroke who was my neighbor. His wife would on occasion ask me to stay with him while she went to the store. (They were both elderly.) I would go over to their house and sit with him and watch tv until she got back. As soon as his wife left, he would begin making hand gestures for me to take him into the bedroom. Then he would follow that up with hand gestures letting me know he was looking for a little bit of the old in and out routine. Uh huh. I would pretend I didn't know what he was trying to ask for and just concentrate on the television program and make small talk. Since he wasn't able to speak because of the stroke, it all worked out just fine. i did have to keep out of reach of him in his wheelchair though.

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  16. Okay so I read the comments and I surmised that Henry is not your husband. Is he your father in law, some old guy you look after on your free time? Why do you have an old man hanging around your house begging for food and asking you these kinds of questions? And, because he is doing those things why don't you fuck with his mind like we do with kids and make up all kinds of wild stories? He'd probably really appreciate it.

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  17. Henry is 95 and an old friend, I've been taking care of him for over 15 years, it started when his wife got sick with lung cancer, she died 10 years ago, and I promised her that I would take care of him until he either died or wound up in a nursing home. I didn't know I was signing up for a life sentence. I drive to his house one weekend day a month, it's 30 miles one way, and I do all of his cooking, cleaning and laundry for the week and help him shower... all for $30 and the cost of groceries. Obviously I don't do it for the money :)

    Thing is I would fuck with his head, but he's regressed so much, that he doesn't understand sarcasm, and he takes everything personally. He's really more like a 5 year old when it comes to stuff of any importance. He doesn't understand bank statements and bills etc.
    Also he doesn't know how to keep any sort of secret, if I told him I had sex with a horse, he'd tell all his friends, not that they would believe him, most of them probably wouldn't, but I just don't need them looking at me like a freak at his birthday party, since I'm his caregiver.

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  18. My mom had a friend who's husband had a stroke, and he was in a wheelchair. I was little 7-8 and I learned really quick not to let him try to give me a wheelchair ride, he was sick, mentally sick, and he tried to stick his hand down my pants. I didn't get close to him ever again after that. I don't know if it was the stroke that made him that way, or if he was just that way.

    In and out routine.... funny

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  19. Thank you for explaining that, I felt a little out of the loop. I still think it would be fun to mess with him a little.

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  20. Welcome..
    my very first post ever was about Henry, you don't have to look too far back to find them.
    but they're here http://i-madge-ine-the-twaddle.blogspot.com/2010/12/sht-henry-says.html
    and here http://i-madge-ine-the-twaddle.blogspot.com/2010/12/whats-wrong-with-bleach.html

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  21. Okay good. I'm glad Jennifer asked and even happier that you explained this. I was like "who the hell is Henry?" So now that I have the back-story - First I need to say that I think YOU ARE AMAZING. I love that you take care of him this way. There should be more people in the world like you.

    Second, I think it's HILARIOUS he asks you questions like this. too, too, funny!

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  22. I've been doing it so long he's like family.
    He's really precious. And he has lots of nasty stories.

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  23. There are a lot of people to care for the elderly, but they don't all have good intentions. We have hired a service to come in and see him a few days a week, but they send losers. the first girl didn't even know how to make the bed, she did fitted sheet, blanket, top sheet, comforter, and then she stole his oxy. The second guy was a bit fat volunteer fire fighter, and all he did all day was sit and eat Henry's food. Then he stole some money he had stashed in the kitchen.
    I know that if I really needed the money, Henry would pay me more, but I don't need it, he just insists on paying me something.
    It's exhausting to care for the elderly, I'm tired after 4 hours, it's the yelling that really wears me out.

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  24. It definately fucks with their head.

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  25. Wow! That's dedication!! So is that your job? I always wondered what you did.

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  26. mikewjattoomanymorningsFebruary 1, 2011 at 1:36 PM

    I can't believe you published a story like! It's way too raw for a blog. I'm totally shocked and dismayed.

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  27. mikewjattoomanymorningsFebruary 1, 2011 at 1:39 PM

    I hope that you and will take care of me when I'm old. And answer all of my questions. In unison. There are quite a few things I'm curious about.

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  28. mikewjattoomanymorningsFebruary 1, 2011 at 1:42 PM

    And still no answer. You can be as evasive as you want, Madge, but Nicky will tell you that I will not let this go. The question, I mean.

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  29. Oh, you silly silly man, we all know who told me it was ok to post.

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  30. I would love to take care of you when you're old, you are a curious person MWJ.

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  31. What? You don't believe my answer... to hear my husband tell it, it's true.
    I'm glad you're still around and not given up the blogosphere altogether, I was worried about that.

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  32. Now was he asking about the back door or just doggie stuff? No reason, just curious.

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  33. OH! Lawd no, not the back door!

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  34. I really do want to hear what his other question was. Maybe it was the back door. Huh.

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  35. ewe, I don't think so, but that makes me remember another conversation. When I get a minute I'll post it.

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