I didn't know....

I have found two things in the last two days that I am completely baffled by, the first being this mythical creature, not the unicorn, but the cute little narwhal, I didn’t know until yesterday, and thanks to “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” that the narwhal is not mythical at all, it is a true creature that lives in the Arctic Ocean, and their skin is chuck full of vitamin C. I am completely stymied by this discovery. I can’t stop thinking about them. How could I have lived this long without ever even hearing of a narwhal? They have officially replaced the Liger as my favorite animal. 

  

The second thing I didn’t know until today (thanks to my father-in-law that grew up a poor child in Arkansas in the 30’s) is that people use to use these as toilet paper.

Yes corn cobs. I looked up corn cob as toilet paper, and it is totally true, it said that some people used to hang the cob from a string so it could be re-used, and people who were more affluent had disposable cobs.  

Which leads me to wonder if that is where the term “corn hole” comes from?

Dog Saves Man's Life... Best Hangover Ever

One of my pooches, Carli has a toe infection. Googling dog toe infection seemed like the reasonable thing to do, this is what I found.

Dog Saves Man's Life by Biting Off Toe: Jerry Douthett Has Best Hangover Ever

 (CBS) A Michigan man says he has his dog to thank for saving his life by chewing off his infected big toe as he lay in a drunken stupor.

For months, Jerry Douthett had refused to see a doctor for the festering digit, in spite of his wife's pleas and her suspicion that he had out of control diabetes.

About two weeks ago the couple went to a bar, where Douthett told the Grand Rapids Press that he drank four or five beers.

"Jerry had had all these Margaritas, so I just let him sleep," his wife Rosee, a registered nurse, told the paper. "But then I heard these screams coming from the bedroom, and he was yelling, 'My toe's gone, my toe's gone!'"

Kiko, the family dog, had suddenly become a surgeon.

"It wasn't an aggressive attack. He pretty much just ate the infection, so he saved my life," Jerry Douthett said.

He was treated at Spectrum Health in Grand Rapids where physicians said he had type 2 diabetes and was suffering from a dangerous toe infection. Surgeons amputated what was left of the digit.

"Maybe he thought it was not part of Jerry's body," Rosie told the Grand Rapids television station "that it was a dead animal laying on the bed. But he chewed off the infected part so he knew when to stop, which was great."

Jerry Douthett says Kiko, a white terrier with brown ears, is a hero. Now that he knows he is diabetic, he has given up drinking.

What the FUCK!! There are several problems here

1.      Dude’s wife is a nurse and didn’t make sure he went to the doctor

2.      Rotting flesh stinks, and I know for a fact that you don’t want to be in the same bed with a rottting toe, gross.

3.   I imagine their house is a disgusting pit of despair, that you can't smell the rotting toe and chose to do something about it.

4.      The dog ate his toe!!! His wife thought it was "great" that it only ate the rotten part!!!

5.    I always thought that a cat would eat a person, but a dog wouldn’t, that myth….. BUSTED!!

My comments are FUBAR

I don't know what the problem is with the comments on my posts, and I found yesterday that some people had been spammed. I know for sure that IT was... Sorry man hope you didn't think I sensored you. I don't know how to fix it, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't anything I did. Does anybody know?

Valentines

:)

New Neighbors

A few years back, a really nice lesbian couple moved in next door to Henry. One was a metal sculptor, and the other was a computer engineer. He got to know them pretty well, they invited him over for dinner a few times, and they came to his birthday parties.

He couldn’t wait to tell me about his new neighbors, he said “Some women lesbians moved in next door, they’re lesbians, but they’re nice” I don’t know if he thought because they were lesbians that they were members of some he-woman man hating club or what.

Having the ladies next door prompted him to ask me:

“How do women have sex with each other?”

I explained it as simply as I knew how, and when I was all done he said

“You mean to tell me that they put their faces down there? They put their tongues in there? Well, (with the most disgusted face he knows how) that is just putrid, I can’t believe that they do that down there to each other, that is just putrid and gross.”

(It has been a long time since he has talked to him, he has decided that they're prostitutes now)

Then he asked:

“Then how do the queers do it?”

So after I explained the mechanics of “the queers” doing it, and how if the one on top cares at all for the one on bottom he’ll do what’s called a “reach around” and how that all works, he wanted to know what oral sex is, he said “I think I know what it is, but I just want you to tell me so that I’m sure” so I told him, and again with the most disgusted face he can make he said “are you trying to tell me that the queers suck each others peters?” Yes, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. “well that is just disgusting, and no woman ever tried to do that to me, and I would never do that to a woman, that is putrid.” “A friend of mine was going to make it with a girl in the car during a dance (during the depression), and do you know, when they got to the car, she opened up her legs, and the smell almost made him vomit, he got the hell out of there, and he told me to stay away from her too” I said “wow, that’s a good friend” he said “boy I’d say last thing I want is to smell a stinky pussy”

Some other people moved in across the street the summer before last, a really nice late 50’s couple. Henry didn’t meet them for about the first 6 months they lived there. The room where he spends the majority of his time faces his back yard, he doesn’t get out front often, and he was convinced that since he had never met them and he never saw them coming or going that they must be growing pot. I still don’t know how he was able to deduce that from them never being home, and it’s a very high-end home, not the kind of place you would turn into a grow operation, and they bought it. I tried to explain that to him, but he wasn’t having it. It wasn’t until he rode his scooter across the street that he finally learned that they are good people; he invited them to his birthday too. He invites everyone he meets to his birthday party. Usually 35 or so show up, and his birthday is just around the corner in May he’ll be 96.

Everybody Dies, But Not Everybody Lives

I was listening to the radio, I don’t generally listen to top 40 / club music, but it was what the boy left on, it’s not that I don’t like it, but I really prefer our local radio station, the mix is good and for the most part the music doesn’t grate on my nerves.

This song came on, I’m not even sure who sings it, I looked up the lyrics, and they were lost on me, except this one line.

Everybody dies, but not everybody lives.

How true is that? How often do people shuffle off to jobs they hate, to spend time with people they don’t like, only to come home to a miserable relationship? My motto has always been, if it doesn’t make you happy, change it. Life is too short to live a miserable existence, to be unhappy, but so many people do it. Why? Because they are afraid of change? Because they are afraid of the unknown? Because they think for just a split second that they aren’t worthy? I just don’t get it. We all have our insecurities, our quirks, the things that live way deep down that we don’t like or want other people to see, but why do we let those things keep us from living? Its human nature I guess, but I don’t get it.

Living to me, is being happy in my life, relationships, and job. Living to me isn’t measured by the money in the bank, but by the moments that make me who I am. Just like to me success isn’t measured by my job title, or how big of house I have or what kind of car I drive, success to me is how much happiness I have in my life, I have a great house, and the best husband anybody could ask for. But I know that I could live in a camp trailer by the river, and still be happy, and still be living. My life is really good, and I feel like I’m living, not just existing.

Everybody dies, but not everybody lives. What does that mean to you?

Dog Fashion?

I’m in the kitchen fixing breakfast for Henry.

He said: I want to ask you a yes or no question will you answer it?  

Me: Well depends go ahead and ask, and we’ll we if I answer

Henry: Have you ever done it on your hands and knees, you know like dog fashion?

Me: Why would you ask that?

Henry: I don’t know, just curious I guess. I used to try to do Nina like that, it was the only way I could get it in all the way, but she didn't like it because I always bottomed out.

Me: Oh, that’s too bad

Henry: So have you or not?

Me: I’m not going to answer that; I’ll just leave it to your imagination.

Henry: Would you tell me if you haven’t done it?

Me: No, that would be the same as telling you if I did do it, no, I’m not going to answer that.

Henry: Oh, ok, just thought I’d ask….. so you’re really not going to tell me?

Me: Nope, sorry, anything else you want to ask?

Henry: No, I guess if you won’t answer that, you won’t answer my next question, I guess I'll just read you your horoscope. But I don’t know why you won’t answer.

Any time he talks about sex, he makes a motion with his arm and hand like he's putting on a bracelet. It reminds me of what it looks like when they pregnancy test a cow. gross.

Separated at Birth?

So I was telling Cardiogirl that I thought my high school science teacher looked like Barry Manilo, you be the judge. Except for the eyebrows, and the hair I think it's pretty close, you cant really see her nose, but it's big.

He Drove an Orange Gremlin

When I was a senior in high school I went on the worst date ever. This boy that I sort of dated as a freshman asked me to go to see Billy Squier in Seattle. He said someone had given him the tickets and I would just have to help pay for gas. That was cool, I had a job (he didn’t) I didn’t mind helping pay for gas.



I gave him money for gas, we had about ½ a tank, and we took off, Seattle was a little over an hour away. When we got to the show, we had to pay for parking, I offered to pay, He let me. We went to McDonalds, I was starving, I ordered my food, and asked him if he was going to order anything. He then told me that he didn’t bring any money, I got to pay for dinner. We walked into the Paramount Theatre, I’m sure it was great in it’s day, it was a little run down, but still ok. I bought a pop, and a shirt. He asked me if I had enough money to buy him a shirt too. NO! I don’t have enough money to buy you a shirt too, I left the house with $50 to buy gas, I got to pay for gas, parking, dinner, pop, my shirt, and you want me to buy you a shirt too? No I don’t have enough. You can’t have anything, here drink some pop.

The show was ok; when it was over we headed home. He was tired, I didn’t realize that being cheap made you sleepy, but apparently it does. He told me to drive, I didn’t have a driver’s license, and I didn’t know how to drive a stick, I clutched, he shifted, and we were on our way. He fell asleep and slept all the way to Bremerton when I hit a stop light, and he had to get us going again. Half way to town in the middle of nowhere, he wanted me to put out. PUT OUT!  IN THE BACK OF THE ORANGE GREMLIN!! Oh! HELL NO! I totally threw down, poor thing didn't no what hit him, he didn't know what to say, when I reminded him how I had to pay for everything and how not only was I not going to put out, he was never ever going to go anywhere with me again, don’t look at me, don’t tell anyone we went together to this concert. 3 blocks from my house, he looks at the gas gauge and says I don’t have enough gas to get home. I had 4 dollars left, thankfully gas was only $.91 a gallon back then. I put it in his tank and never spoke to him again.

Seriously?

I looked up how many calories and fat in full fat buttermilk ranch. It took me to answers.com someone thought this question was important enough to ask the world.

 

What is the water in sweet tea?

 

Scary thing, the world didn't answer.... but I did. Yay Me