Thursday, February 3, 2011

New Neighbors

A few years back, a really nice lesbian couple moved in next door to Henry. One was a metal sculptor, and the other was a computer engineer. He got to know them pretty well, they invited him over for dinner a few times, and they came to his birthday parties.

He couldn’t wait to tell me about his new neighbors, he said “Some women lesbians moved in next door, they’re lesbians, but they’re nice” I don’t know if he thought because they were lesbians that they were members of some he-woman man hating club or what.

Having the ladies next door prompted him to ask me:

“How do women have sex with each other?”
I explained it as simply as I knew how, and when I was all done he said
“You mean to tell me that they put their faces down there? They put their tongues in there? Well, (with the most disgusted face he knows how) that is just putrid, I can’t believe that they do that down there to each other, that is just putrid and gross.”

(It has been a long time since he has talked to him, he has decided that they're prostitutes now)

Then he asked:

“Then how do the queers do it?”
So after I explained the mechanics of “the queers” doing it, and how if the one on top cares at all for the one on bottom he’ll do what’s called a “reach around” and how that all works, he wanted to know what oral sex is, he said “I think I know what it is, but I just want you to tell me so that I’m sure” so I told him, and again with the most disgusted face he can make he said “are you trying to tell me that the queers suck each others peters?” Yes, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. “well that is just disgusting, and no woman ever tried to do that to me, and I would never do that to a woman, that is putrid.” “A friend of mine was going to make it with a girl in the car during a dance (during the depression), and do you know, when they got to the car, she opened up her legs, and the smell almost made him vomit, he got the hell out of there, and he told me to stay away from her too” I said “wow, that’s a good friend” he said “boy I’d say last thing I want is to smell a stinky pussy”

Some other people moved in across the street the summer before last, a really nice late 50’s couple. Henry didn’t meet them for about the first 6 months they lived there. The room where he spends the majority of his time faces his back yard, he doesn’t get out front often, and he was convinced that since he had never met them and he never saw them coming or going that they must be growing pot. I still don’t know how he was able to deduce that from them never being home, and it’s a very high-end home, not the kind of place you would turn into a grow operation, and they bought it. I tried to explain that to him, but he wasn’t having it. It wasn’t until he rode his scooter across the street that he finally learned that they are good people; he invited them to his birthday too. He invites everyone he meets to his birthday party. Usually 35 or so show up, and his birthday is just around the corner in May he’ll be 96.


  1. Poor Henry. At least he's got you to explain all the putrid stuff to him! LOL! He's too old to change his views now, isn't he?

  2. Well this exchange makes me very glad I was born in the 60s. Man, that sucks (or doesn't) that he hasn't experienced oral sex and that he hasn't performed it. I feel bad for his wife.

  3. When his wife was alive she asked me if I ever did it, I said no
    She said she would never put that stinky thing in her mouth

  4. I died when I read:

    “A friend of mine was going to make it with a girl in the car during a dance (during the Depression), and do you know, when they got to the car, she opened up her legs, and the smell almost made him vomit; he got the hell out of there, and he told me to stay away from her too.”

    I said “Wow, that’s a good friend.”

    I guess friends don't let friends work a skank over -- Depression era or not.

  5. Yeah, who'd a thunk. I figured everybody stunk back then, people didn't bathe every day like they do now, not everyone had running water.

  6. Oh, my, my.

    Wait. How do pot-growers have sex with each other?

    96? WOW!

  7. My guess is while eating cheetos

  8. Henry has a pretty good vocab -- I haven't heard the word putrid in a while.

  9. I like that word, you know when something is putrid that you don't want to mess with it, definately worse than disgusting or gross.

  10. Every year he says it's going to be his last birthday, I have a feeling he's going to make 100.

  11. Henry is 95 and an old friend, I've been taking care of him for over 15 years, it started when his wife got sick with lung cancer, she died 10 years ago, and I promised her that I would take care of him until he either died or wound up in a nursing home. I drive 60 miles round trip to see him one weekend day a week, to cook, clean, and help him shower.

  12. Thanks, he pays me $30 plus the cost of groceries. He's family NOW and I couldn't immagine not doing it, but there's days when I just don't want to go, I don't know what its like to not go or feel guilty for not going.

  13. I'm sure it's his depression era immune system. He'll eat stuff that I wouldn't touch with my brother's mouth.
    He also won't waste food. I took him to lunch once, and he ate the bowl of salad dressing.

  14. mikewjattoomanymorningsFebruary 9, 2011 at 11:31 PM

    I think Henry may be the only man in the world who never wanted to give or receive head. And his story about his friend reminds me of a really nasty quote from a famous feminist whose name I can't remember: "A man will wade through a river of shit up to his nose if he thinks there's a willing pussy waiting for him on the other side."

  15. He talks a good game, he'll never admit to all the pussy he's had. He always says I could have had her, but I was scared that if she got pregnant I'd have to marry her, and her family was trash. My father would have killed me.
    That's a great quote. My mom always said
    "He'd fuck a hole in the ground if he thought there was a snake in it."

  16. Here's a nice little ditty... from Henry

    When I was young and in my prime
    I used to jack off all the time
    Now I'm older and I've got more sense
    I look for knotholes in the fence