So here it is.. my first post. I’m not sure what to write about so I guess I’ll start with “Sh*t that Henry Says”
I have a day job, Monday through Friday I’m an office manager for a financial advisor. But one weekend morning a week I drive 30 miles one way to take care of Henry. He’s 95 and I’ve been caring for him for 15 years. I started taking care of him and his wife then she died of the big “C” and I promised her I would take care of him until he either died or wound up in a nursing home. Little did I know I was signing on for 10+ years.
I don’t do it for the money, he pays me $25 to cook, clean and help him take a shower.
These are a few things that I have learned from him.
- If you have a penis it’s going to shrink, if you have a foreskin, it won’t. He has told me on several occasions that his penis is the size of a two year olds and if you don’t get a piss boner you can’t pull back your foreskin enough to keep from spraying pee everywhere.
- Women that will give you a free sample, don’t always expect you to marry them, they just want your sex. But don’t try to get a second sample unless you have a ring in your pocket.
- The slide whistle is a great instrument.
(as soon as I can figure out how to post sounds, I’ll post samples, they’re adorable)
This is a conversation we had recently.
Henry (looking at a playboy)
“Hey, come here, look at this, this woman looks very peculiar”
Me
“Why do you say that?”
Henry
“She doesn’t have any hair down there. What’s wrong with her, did she have lice or something”
Me
“No, some women just wear it like that”
Henry
“Oh do you have black hair by cracky”
Me
“What!! That’s none of your business”
Henry
“HAHA!! Do you know that if you don’t keep it trimmed up, you have to comb through it to have a BM?”
Ok, Please correct me if I’m wrong, or maybe I’m missing something, but I have never in all of my 39 years seen an ass hair comb. But I’ve never looked for one either. I’ll get to Googling and let you know what I find.
Oh Henry is a naughty man! You are so wonderful to fulfill your obligation to his wife. I would think you'd let him take a peek just for the heck of it! I'm pretty sure I would, but then "Charity" is my middle name.
ReplyDeletelol
ReplyDeleteI could never do that, first, because I really love him and don't want him to have a heart attack, and second, he can't keep his mouth shut and he'd tell everyone he knows
Shoot Girl, at least let the old guy go out with a bang. And he could tell everyone he knows and nobody would believe hm!
ReplyDeleteHi, Madge and welcome to the blogosphere. Linda sent me. Henry sounds hysterical. Lots of material there for a book. Very sweet of you to continue to care for him. Merry Christmas!
ReplyDeleteThought I'd pop over from Linda's place to meet you, Madge. Welcome, new friend! Henry sounds like a total hoot... no wonder you keep going back! (I'm already looking forward to hearing more about Henry.)
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ReplyDelete@Jayne: Thanks for following and checking in. He is hysterical, I just wish I had written down all of the things he has told me. Every once and a while he repeats himself. I'll have to take note.
ReplyDelete@Boom Boom: Thank you for dropping by and following. I have some more stuff up my sleeve. :)
Man, I had an awesome comment and when I went to post it I realized I was signed in with my kid's account. Grr.
ReplyDeleteSo I lost it. Side note: can you add the option to sign in with a name and url? It's in Blogger's preferences.
Thank you for your consideration.
Oh yeah the comment. Got here from Linda's and until today I did not know what a slide whistle was. But YouTube has provided me with many examples.
Thanks for teaching me something new today. Welcome to the blogosphere!
Hi Madge! I also came over from Linda's. Welcome to the wonderful world of blogging! :-)
ReplyDeleteHenry sounds like a real character, very lovable.
Looking forward to reading more! Happy Holidays!
Welcome Madge!!
ReplyDeleteHenry sounds like a naughty old man full of useful advice. And you have got a big big heart and ears. Do spill more beans...
Btw, what's a BM?
@cg: I'm a little thick, I looked through preferences but didn't trip across it. I'll work on it for you.
ReplyDelete@Ginger: I won cosmetic surgery to fix my ears, they're much smaller than they used to be, are you psychic or something? )And a BM is a bowel movement)
Aren't you glad you asked what a BM is, Ginger?
ReplyDeleteHidee Ho, Madge!
ReplyDelete@Madge -- I'm very happy you started your own blog. This posts works on a lot of different levels, from the purient to the precious. I like it a lot, and can't wait for more. You've probably got weeks of material just from Henry, let alone whatever else it is that you do in your life. Your commitment to him and his shriveled pensi is remarkable, and laudable.
ReplyDelete@Linda -- Your middle name isn't Charity. It's Linda. First comment here, and you have to lie.
@CardioGirl -- First comment and you're already making demands. Why don't you ask her to change her layout or avatar/gravatar thingy while you're at it? Having rock-hard abs and buns of steel doesn't give you the right to cajole and threaten people, you know.
@Nicky -- I tell that you're still drunk from the party and fauxing it up to impress Madge and maintain some emotional distance. Just be yourself, please, and let her know that you're up to a pillowfight if she is.
@Ginger -- It's okay that you don't know what a BM is. I was raised by an English mom, and I know it's not a topic of discussion in polite company. Or impolite company. Or any company whatsoever. As far as anybody knows, the British never, ever poop. And that's exactly as it should be.
@Token -- Please don't call Madge a ho. She may be a tad liberal, but she's not a ho.
Oops. I meant "penis" not "pensi." Pensi is a mountain pass in the Ladakh region of Jammu and Kashmir, which is known as the Gateway to Zanskar. I always get the two of them confused. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteYAY!! Mike I'm glad you stopped by. I hope you're not too hung over from the party yesterday, it was wild and I'm still missing a thigh high boot, so if you happen to find one under the coffin in the living room it's probably mine.
ReplyDeleteThanks for being my cyber big brother and setting everybody straight, a girl needs that from time to time.
I didn't even catch the pensi dyslexia is a beautiful thing
ReplyDeleteand of course you'd get them confused you're a man. Giant bulge in the pants... mountain range... same thing :)
ReplyDeleteOh, the thigh-high boot's yours? I rather like that boot. I wish I could remember how you lost it.
ReplyDeleteI jumped up to catch the ceiling fan and the heel stuck in that dude's beard, he was pissed, and yanked it off and threw it under the coffin, but there were people doing bad things in there and I didn't want to get involved, or bother them, so I just left it.
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