Thursday, December 1, 2011

Mattress Mary

I wrote a song once about my friend’s sister Mary, she was a slutty alcoholic, that smoked, wore too much perfume, and had birds. She also dated my brother in high school.

It went a little something like this…. To the tune of “love and marriage” aka the theme song to Married With Children

Mattress Mary, Mattress Mary,
Shave that bush it’s too damn hairy,
You can ask my brother, she’ll hump one and then

Mattress Mary, Mattress Mary,
Drinks like a fish
And smells like a perfume factory
Bird shit on her shoulder
I wonder if anybody
Told her

Ask, ask, ask
And you can mate her
She’s not a challenge
Ask, ask and she will only jump
On your protrusion

Ohhhh Mattress Mary, Mattress Mary
Shave that bush, it’s too damn hairy
Bird shit on her shoulder
I wonder if anybody told her

I know, it’s not nice, but it’s still sorta funny, and pretty creative too. Steve helped me write it. He’s good at rhyming.


  1. Hahaha! That's hilarious! Such songwriting talent!

  2. I know, can you just imagine all the cool things I can say abut pinky?!

  3. I can't wait to see...although I'm a little scared after what you said about Mattress Mary. ;)

  4. Number one with a bullet! LOL. You and Steve could be the next Rogers and Hammerstein! :-)

  5. That would be awesome!! I'd prefer Weird Al though, R&S not too popular with the in croud.

  6. Madge, this is really something.  I don't even know what else to say.  You and your husband are an awesome team though.

  7. Poor Mary :( 

    I've just realised i'm 30 posts behind! Congrats on pulling that off. that's a lotta work! phewww